The Truth in Love: Shifting from Ruinous Empathy to Radical Candor

As I pen this piece, the US Presidential election looms on the horizon. With days to go, the pundits and campaign hacks are busily “spinning” polling data, turnout expectations, and candidate enthusiasm to convince the teeming masses that their “Number One” will win this thing. But it’s not just elections where I see the spin – as I reflect on my professional work experience the spin is rampant; it’s rare to hear “we may not win” – whether it’s about broad business performance or even a single sales pursuit. I mean why be honest about the state of the race when no one wants to hear unwelcome news?

Seriously? I’m calling “bullshit” on the spin.

The Diagnosis

Spin, my dear colleagues, is not a leadership best practice. When we spin everything from sales figures to performance reviews, we deny our employees opportunities to gain experience and grow. The leader’s unwillingness to deliver the hard stuff also undercuts the buy-in of organizational stakeholders. Effective leadership requires radical candor. For those of you new to the phrase, I offer leadership guru Kim Scott’s pithy definition. Radical candor implies caring personally while challenging directly. Yes, honesty, even if it stings, shows the recipient that we care about them and want them to thrive. When we spin feedback, data, etc., we communicate to the recipient(s) “how you react to what I say to you is more important to me than what you need to hear from me.” Recognize the difference? Spin is about you, not your employee, friend, partner, constituent, etc. Consider, again, the impending Presidential election. How many of us would love a leader or two from our party to “tell it like it is” without all the spin? While we may not want to hear that our sales pursuit is on the brink of a loss, an honest appraisal will absolutely change our behaviour in the process. The truth in love enables action… decisive action… transformative action. In the business environment, we call the “truth in love” radical candor.

Radical candor is a difficult leadership skill to adopt and master because it is uncomfortable to practice. In a Harvard Business podcast that aired back in 2020, Kim Scott told her audience that radical candor can be tough because most of those tasked with delivering the constructive critiques are pained to receive them.[1] In other words, we empathize – sometimes over-emphasize – with those who need to receive challenging feedback because we remember how we felt when we were on the receiving end of it. Scott argues that while empathy on its own is an important leadership skill, it can become corrosive to employees and an organization when empathy always supplants honest appraisals of performance. Scott calls this, “ruinous empathy.[2] In my own career, I’ve watched many leaders drive teams, businesses, and their own careers into the ground because they could not deliver the hard truths in the moments that demanded hard truths. When leaders seek to “be liked” 24/7, they will not be respected 365.

The Treatment

In my book, “The Power of Whole Human Leadership,” I write about how an effective leader can articulate constructive feedback in a manner that communicates, “I care about you, the team, and our shared success.” Yes, empathy is essential for any leader who is serious about providing critique that builds up the employee. In a compelling piece she wrote a few years ago, Penn State’s Lauren Bates-Stevenson said this about empathy: “Research has shown it is irrefutable that empathy is a critical factor to fostering a healthy workplace environment while also driving results.” Bates-Stevenson goes on to say, “When employees are respected by leadership and viewed as people with complex lives and obligations outside of the workplace, it sets the tone for a more productive, inclusive, and positive workplace.” The bottom line is this: if you plan on adopting radical candor – and you should – you better have some empathy in the bank with your employees. Listen. Know their stories. Let them get to know yours. Be vulnerable about your soft spots – growth areas – as a worker. When an employee knows you genuinely care about them and are also growing in the workplace, they will be open to criticism from you as a means to get better at the work you share.

With empathy in place, deliver your critiques from a perspective of the organization’s mission and vision and critical success metrics and outcomes that drive towards these. Remember, most employees are no longer working for a brand… they want the connection to purpose; they are working for a WHY. When you show an employee how enhancing a skill or tweaking a process will serve the organization’s WHY, you demonstrate to the employee, “You are a valuable part of what we do in this organization.” An employee will now frame the growth that comes after the setback as a contribution to the WHY, not as a remediation to master before “I get fired.”

Radical Candor… It presupposes empathy. Not an empathy that debilitates but one that communicates solidarity of purpose and the unique contributions everyone brings to the party. If you genuinely care for your people and the organization you have in common, you will provide real-time critique with an eye toward progress, not punishment. Love your people so you can level with them.

Now, let’s get our popcorn and see how the election plays out (fingers crossed for a good outcome).